Jesus You
You hold the world with Your unfailing love
The heaven sings Your praises from above
In Your name lips shall praise and knees shall bow
Father You
The universe exalts in who You are
The stars declare Your wonder far and wide
How majestic is Your love throughout my life
In You,I find my peace
In You,I bend my knees
You are Lord of Heaven
You shall Reign in all the earth
I humbly bow before Your majesty
Now I will sing Your praises and I will sing forevermore
I'm captivated by Your love in me
after doing 3 solid hours of accounts paper 2 during consultation, my brain was drained. i went to GAP feeling stoned.. as usual because i felt soo drained. and as usual, my heart was as troubled. i was in doubt and my prayer was filled with questions and doubts. these few months, i've been studying more than serving as the A'levels are coming up in one month's time. i felt so detached from God because i've been do distracted these few months doing things that i shouldn't do and was hiding from people. hiding from accounting about my spiritual life. i feel detached from God because i haven't been doing what i was supposed to do and i was running away. hence, all the doubts and fears. even if i could run away from people, i know i cannot run away from God.
going to church these days felt more or less like a routine. God has, on the other hand, spoken to me week after week through His people and sermons. i've learnt to treat going to church as a way to be energised again from God. i still discipline myself to come back to God, to spend some quiet time with God everyday and tried meditating on His word. however, i'm back to my normal self, with my heart hardened when i get home. me, still felt like running away, still as distracted and fearful (of many things), trying to find security in other things like friends and listening to "muttons to Midnight", looking forward to their jokes to help me feel better by drowning my miseries.
i managed to talk to Wai Ling and update her about what is happening and today was the day when my heart could really surrender everything to God knowing that i don't have to run anymore. i really want to thank God for showing His compassion through Wai Ling, and her prayer. i was afraid because i have been running away from her. she is one who is strict and stern when it comes to how i live my life. this time, instead of being scolded, her words gave me comfort and i felt that she understood and accepted me in my weakness. and i connected this to how God actually is, as a person. how he is also strict when it comes to living a life which is of His standards but understanding our weaknesses and accepting us in who we are as sinners, not being able to do what He wants from us all the time. Wai ling's prayer reminded me not to get confused between serving Him and having a relationship with Him. i am once again brought before God and is reconciled with Him through prayer. i broke down in tears because someone like me who was unworthy actually being accepted and loved by this almighty God. (: her prayer also removed and shattered my facade and my pretentious side that helped me to live pass everyday as God sees right through my heart.
Regina's Word help to reinforce me on how i should live my life daily and i do really pray that i can start again! the only thing that can make me cry the most and can make me joyous is the things of God. nothing else in the world can ever move me so deeply. not even playing or performing well in Brisbane. i was very happy can i can still celebrate about it, but i'm not joyous. seeing someone accepting Christ made me joyous. happiness is not equal to joy. leaving AKE didn't make me cry. the whole ensemble cried except for me. but when i was spiritually down, i cried so badly till my eyes were swollen. i hope to see my spiritual life change after my A's. (:
9/30/2008 11:07:00 PM
